a strom within a storm

I almost forgot about this blog and blogging...but some how IT found me!

So here i am !!

Not sure what to say...its funny how weird it feels that you dont know what you really want?!!

Alhmdu le Allah all is well, and yet there is this empty void .. that doesnt seem to know how to be filled!?

I do have certain desires and likes, but i dont always have the control to "Get them".

In life things are tough, yes everything we face we face for a reason and nothing we face is greater than us..but we need to "have faith and hold on" .. it is our self that breaks us not the things that we face!

our own selves is our biggest challenge.


Yes this is life, and there is always good and bad, and yes it is only a journey to where we meant to be..but we can still make this journey easy cant we?

I mean the road can be bumpy, we don't have the capacity to fix the whole road so what we can do to make it a bit bearable for us. like placing a Cochin on our seat to decrees theses bumps from hurting our backs.

without that Cochin the road will seem longer and our back will ache so much that we can not focus on enjoying the view or anything else for that matter.

This is what i am facing now,
I am in a journey and there are so many things that is making this journey harder and making me weaker and not give my self what it deserves. But how can it reach its best while carrying all this "package"that is pulling it down?
This package..is a required on this road in this journey.
So how i see it is that i need to change the road..we are still going on the same journey just the road is different and that other road doesn't have the same package that is pulling me down as requirement.
SO i will have complete control on my self in this journey i will move faster.

i haven't tried but with the research that i have done and asked the others in the other road, it seems that it is the case!

I asked for the ticket to go to that road but the ticket was refused not for any good reason but rather "just because.." and there is no room to discuss or explain...just because and that's it!

SO now i am stuck in this road with that package that is doing no good to me,,just pulling me down...and making it harder for me to enjoy the journey or even do anything else while i am in this journey. Because it is basically tying my hands and pulling me down.

Frustration, anger, sadness..feeling of lost and depression...

all fighting the feeling of FAITH!

"Just have faith...just have faith" something that i keep reminding my self and if and when i forget i find it as indirect message being sent to me....just have faith.

Cuz Doáa is stronger than any being, any requirements, any logic....because when The Devin says "BE and it will BE!!... end of story....

so when i am told, that what you require ( to move to the other road ) is not the 7th but rather the 20th miracle of the wonders of the world.....i smile with in and think "BE and it will BE!!"  ......


Its a consistent war with in... there is this belief.... i see it so clearly and i desire it so badly.....
yet a small voice with in asks..."but ...are you sure its the right thing?  " ""are you sure that you really know what is good for you? and are you sure that you are 100% rational with your desire?! ...that its not for escape? escape for the bad  road that you dont like or escape from someone on that road? or maybe its just a feeling of pride that i am better that this road?! "

A storm within a storm, and yet i have to stay calm stay going stay strong...
when sometimes all i want is freeze ever thing and collapse and cry!

I know all will be well, Allahs will is greater than anyones...and Allah will always choose the best for us no matter what, i know that there is soooooooooooooooooooooooo much to be thankful for sooooooooooooooooooooooo much that makes me feel special......

but why then is this void still here...till the day it gets filled...some how....how can i stay strong?

Thinking and re-thinking...reflecting...wandering...

I am in a stage in my life where you can say reality hit me! Not that its good or bad but just still dazed, i guess.

First of all I must start with saying "alhamdu le Allah" "alhamdu le Allah" for all the blessings that Allah sub7ana has blessed me with every day.

I have been wandering reflecting thinking all my life, maybe mainly when I entered university.

I enjoyed this thinking process, but now I am learning that the way I took it was not very "healthy" and a trick. It is good and is required to think and reflect about life and about your self but you must know till when and how deep.

I guess I was trying really hard to find answers for everyting. I always felt that there is something I am missing something that I am doing wrong or is suppose to do to be better and to have a better stronger future.

The past didn't bother me as much as the future. There is something right now I am suppose to do to prevent something bad from happening later on, I kept telling my self. I learned this from life, I always see around me that you need to be two steps ahead. You need to know what you want to do later on and start working on that now so you can reach that goal. In my case that was hard!

Its never really clear to me what i need to do later on. And when I think I know my goal, it easily gets lost with all the details and confusions I face everyday. The goal is blurry and thus I go into that circle of reflecting and wandering again to find it and again it gets lost by time.

Now after I have learned that this way that I was living is slowly waring me down and getting me no where and because there are major resposiblties waiting for me around the corner, I am teaching my self a new technique. And that is not to reflect and try to find answers as much!

I mean this reflecting and wandering is becoming a trick. A trick for me to loss focus easily on what I should do and a trick to make me weaker and more confused.

I was told from a wise person, why complicate things when everything can be solved with just raising your hands and praying. "Oh Allah! guide me on what I should do now!!" its that simple!

Why expect things that did not happen and why try to answer everything. There are things that don't need to be answered but can be answered by ignoring them for now and working on your self.

We are put into situations that we might not like and want it to change or be another. We wander and think why is this so why are we in this situation, did we do something wrong and what do we need to do now to fix it. Instead of wandering and thinking and trying to find  answers that you most probably wont be able to find, why not use the situation. Learn from the situation and use the situation for your advantage.

Believe that you are in this situation for a good reason and you must have faith that everything will be alright just use what is given to you for your advantage, regardless what you think is best. 

Just use the situation for you to learn, develop and become stronger. Its a challenge for you to become a jewel. 

"A jewel will not become a jewel only under extreme purser" - and what is a jewel? it is rare, expensive, beautiful and very strong!

So push your "nafs"! it is crying now saying this is too hard I don't like this I feel like this and I desire that, be the boss of it for once! Push your nafs to work in this situation regardless if it likes it or not!

We live all our lives with our nafs controlling us. "not in the mood for this now" "don't feel like it" "I want this now!!!" and we run to full fill its demands and we forget that it will not take us far. 

Our nafs might take us to places but places really close to home, and you will be the same person you are, lost confused and frustrated not knowing what you want from life!

Accept that situations that you are in, learn to live with it and have faith that it is for your benifit. Push your nafs to work and be happy in this situation and pray to be guided and to be strong always. 

"Just have faith" that simple that strong that clear.

and don't fall into the traps of your nafs, not everything needs to be easy, not everything needs to have an answer, just keep going and have faith and you will find your self in places you have never imagined. 

‎"Be one who seeks steadfastness, not one looking for miracles; indeed your soul yearns for a way out through a miracle, but your Lord requires you to be steadfast" - A.E.

illusion of control?!

So here i am, still wandering where to go! focus is my biggest challenge.
i try to control where im going and what I'm doing, cuz that is how things are in the world.
You need to plan, organize and calculate your next step....how hard is that! for me at least!!
Its not that i cant do it, i can but it is so hard for me!

Yet its interesting "You must let go of the illusion of control!". Live the moment, and have faith...
(some of the masters would say)

i haven't reached what i am with planing, cuz i never really knew where i should go really, but Sub7ana Allah, its small things here and there that came my way taught me things that helped me develop helped me build on what i have and helped me see the world in a different way.

I am designer and educator (my passion with no place)...could i have told you that 2 years ago? what about 2 years to come (insha Allah) where will i be? will i give you a place? a book? or...?

Its funny, you have the things that you enjoy and feel passionate about, sometimes you do just stare at them wandering what you can do with them...you like them you enjoy them but...then what?

I enjoy the "process" and "discovery" that one goes through in this life, yet i feel that there is no time no room for these things in "reality"!

You need to plane, you need to calculate and move fast! or you wont survive!!?

This is where i loss my self, don't know what i am about, and where am i suppose to move and how fast.
am i complicating it here? i dont know, but really i cant!!

Life is about name, about location...about that portfolio those certificates that you will show others and see..."ohh good so you are NOT waisting your time!!" ... no name no location no papers ..."why are you even alive??!!"

its frustrating at times, cant i be a productive person the way i am? cant i be productive in my process? im developing i am...
but sorry i dnt know of any organization that can give me certificates and recommendations on how i have developed to show you!

Every day is lesson, but we have to take it as that, a lesson to be better, we are not perfect but we have good qualities and ya maybe others that we need to "control our self" with...but we need to learn and change and become better.
Not for others, because, well...others are not you, don't know what you are about and what you can be...they want you to be like them!

"Dont be someone else's perfect!" a quote that i love.

We forget that and get caught up with pleasing others, cuz we measure how "good" we are with others "view" on us!

it is important and useful to take time off in the day, where you are with your self, reflecting on where you are, how you came to where you are, what moves you (forget the "needs" and "reality" wat ever ppl say) really? what makes you heart jump just thinking of it?...then reflect some more on your blessings, think of this world how it is nothing really...ppl are just ppl...thy have no control over anything, even though they say and think that thy do...you dont either!
Then turn to your Lord, do 2 rak3a of shukor (Thanks) and just talk to Him!

tell Him Sub7ana how you are weak, how you want to do so much but dont know where to go, how no one understands you and always putting you dont...how you are afraid that you might be falling behind...

Pray for gaudiness...and well....have FAITH!
"have faith" 2 words that i was told my my design professors in you 3rd year of design!
Big slap on the face!!

"have faith" sometimes its that simple!!
"have faith" .....

.........
........
....

* Live the moment,
* Learn for the moment,
* Push you self to become better,
* Keep moving even if you dont know where you are going.
* reflect,
* and most importantly HAVE FAITH!
(have faith in your Lord and all that He sub7ana has made you and blessed you with!)

HAVE FAITH!

inner peace

Inner peace...
What does that mean? and how can one achieve it?
Does anyone have inner peace? how does it feel??

I dont know, there are different answers out there different methods of trying to achieve that feeling...but....i don't know.

We are all living in this life...in this world...we do seem different with our personalties, backgrounds and even philosophy of life, some have it deep others just "want to live, but never the less we are all missing one thing!

Inner peace.
Who has it??

When we were younger we used to view the world in such innocents, such purity and such beauty. We loved every moment, enjoyed the smallest thing that comes towards us. Laughing from the depth of our hearts and dancing around with the wind in any way it blew us.

Grown ups used to look at us and say "Oh you poor thing, your so innocent...tomorrow you'll grow and see the truth of this world!" we hear them but we never understand what they mean and just keep going.

Then tomorrow comes, it start with an innocent act from us that is thrown back to our face after it has been "hit, squashed and spit on"!. Shocked and confused not knowing why, but we try again. And again, same reactions, our innocents start fading away and the words "...you will see the TRUTH of this world!" echos in our minds.

Our view of the world changes, we become more disturbed more confused more frustrated. Either trying so hard to make sense of it (which we wont and will end up in isolation of the world) or build a dark and angry view of the world...and live miserably.

In all cases...we are miserable...and peace? we don't even know of such a word!?

Trust, love and passion? what are you talking about?!! Your best friend since Kg has been spreading rummers about you and that dream that you had of becoming a famous and artistic painter...well...all you got is people laughing at you saying how can you live putting paint on paper..you think thats creativity?? and now your in a small office photocopying papers.

Even that dancing with the wind that you always enjoyed, you don't do anymore. Either than the fact that people think your crazy doing that, but now this wind is not pure, its full of toxics and dirt...that will kill you!

oh so confused so lost...so frustrated....augh...whats the point of this life? We are in this life to "die" right? to "suffer"? ..... to what???

ok STOP THINKING...big breath...close your eyes and repeat after me....
"la elha el Allah"

Don't think...just repeat...

Life is not perfect that is a giving...and its not easy as well...
but don't you think that we are the ones who make it harder then it is really??

Remember that wind dancing that you used to do...just loved to let go and let the wind just move you around...and the wind that is to toxic now...you know...its the same wind! It never changed...its the same wind...just your view changed...

No one ever told you that the wind is clean and pure, you just enjoyed what it gave with what ever it had...and you know...no harm from the wind happened to you...did it?

And remember when you used to laugh so hard that you cant breath, even though there wasn't anything that was really funny!? We used to laugh at the simplest things, just because we enjoy laughing.

And that dream that you had of being an artist, go look at your old paintings that you used to paint when you were younger and pretending that you were a famous painter, then look at the very few paintings that you did now, after what those people told you, do you see it? What made you change? Words that people said and you believed!?
What if you didn't listen to them and continued with that same love that you had...close your eyes...imagine...now....
how do you feel?


ok, yes life is full of disappointments...and lots of difficulties and "pain". But life is life...it never changed...its the same life that we had when we were younger. Yes maybe we have a little bit more responsibilities than we used to, but we faced worries as we are now. One of our biggest worries now (for example) is surviving the day without being fired from our job, and when we were younger we had the same worry but it was more of not letting the monsters under our bed get us at night.

It might sound silly to us now, but back then it was as "worrisome" as being fired by our boss today.
But why didn't we grow gray hairs and have anxiety attacks as we do now?

Remember when its time for bed, and the lights are closed and your holding your teddy so tightly keeping your eyes shut trying to sleep but you cant...you hear voices, you feel things are moving under your bed...your afraid to look down or the monster will snatch you away...you cry! Then your mum comes rushing to your side "Whats wrong my sweetie?", so nervously you try to explain, about these voices about whats going on. She smiles to you gives you a gentle kiss on your forehead and says in a soft but strong voice "Don't worry but sweetheart, i am right here beside you, nothing bad will get you".
Still rapped around her arms, a bit scared..but slowly your fear despairs, and you enter this calm and safe feeling..and then your fast a sleep. Did the monsters disappear? you don't know, Why are there monsters? you don't know, but also don't really care anymore...because you are safe!

When we were young, we had fears, we worried a lot, we did bump our heads sometimes and bleed...we did cry but we never "lost it", because always our parents were there, looking at us, comforting our pain and encouraging us to keep going.
And we knew that, and we loved that and moved in peace even though we had fears and pains.

Now we are older, moving along this world, still loving our parents, but they cant do anything about our boss or our bills.
Facing one problem to another, feeling down and seeing the world in darkness...so lost so confused...anxiety!

What happened? why don't we have that same peace that we had before?
We took matters into our own hands thats what happened...
When we were younger we moved, we played, we learned...but knowing that our parents are there telling us "its ok" protecting us, we moved farther and farther...

and now when we are older...we grew our problems grew with us....but who do we turn to?
our parents? our friends? our selves?? or planes???
All these things we don't really trust, they are changeable and they have surprised us and hurt us...
and thus our problems increased...our fear increased...and those monsters under our bed are climbing up to get us!!!

"Mummy!!!?" who should we call now? where should we turn?

life is life it never changed...but we just forgot who we should turn to....we forgot how to TRUST, no matter what happens!!!!

(image from http://duffelup.tumblr.com/)

POOOF your perfect life!

Ok so I’m sitting in the internet cafe. Feeling so “augh” and so dead…really! Throw me out to the trash I’m just dragging around...and I’m so tired …. (I’ve been like this for a couple of days now) n don’t know why!
And I’m here trying to answer Ur request…really?? Wat am I thinking?!!
“hw can u think of smthn nice if ur feeling so “augh”y?”
(big breath…Rup face…) ok sweets…
just 2day I was watching some old home videos of us 10 years ago..(since I recently changed them to DVD 2 b able to see them) …
I see the things that we said, the way we acted…oh my God how can I be so cruel...so selfish...hw could my sis stand me doin tht?? why aren’t I patient? augh at me!
Then I wandered wat happened…Alhmdu le Allah I am more considered now... (or trying to be; p)...but why how???
Was there one event that just POOOF altered my view of life and how I am? No!
Was there one person that by one word from their mouth POOOF altered my view of life and how I am? No!
There were a lot of events, lots of situations and a lot of people!
Of course some bigger then other, and people who touched u or moved “a piece” of u, that till now u feel their presences...
But it is not just ONE...its a copination of lots of things...
like a class tht u need to go point by point... learn ur A B Cs first then ur Spelling then grammer ect. to be able to understand and be a great writer… (for ex.)
Same thing here...everythn everyone I met, helped me take a step fwd into smthn…n frm it reaching thngs I never thought I would!
Sometimes we are so annoyed at ourselves or life or wat ever…not knowing where to go or wat to do...or how can u be better…
then u are put into a situation for example the president of a club…known that ur not a leading type or organizer…
n from it u find things that u had in ur self that u never thought existed or ever imagined u will be able to handle it!
Then, with those situations, you are viewed differently by others and even yourself, and know u have more respoislbilty and willing-ness to find “the right way” … and the search begins.
then you meet others who have found their way, and your just amazed at them and that gets you more eager to be like that…strong and focused...thoes ppl don’t know it but they are moving some parts of u, tht u didnt even thought will be ever moved..now ur more eager to know learn and be like that…
then there are the hard lessons, when those ppl that u see n gave u this strength and eagerness (That thy didn’t even know they were doing so!) disappear…how lost and weak and “sad” …and like a small child yelling and crying “I WANT THAT!!! NOW!!” … and ur killing ur self from the inside… going to the darkness...
such a “challenge” stays for a while, till you realize ur making ur life n livable…and well ur a live…so make it a bit easier on ur self…
so u work harder, pulling ur self up…a small part of u still yelling and crying for thoes ppl..who moved u so n thy don’t know…but the other part knows that u need to keep moving or ull b a living dead!!
So you mange moving, learning small things here and there, meeting people here and there that teach u small things or even teach u to be careful not to fall into wat others has fallen to…still not in peace but ur moving…
than out of nowhere…something happens…something that u never thought would or even imagined it!!
It just happens...it mght sound like a simple thng, but with all tht u have gone through all that u have learned…all the questions that u’ve been asking…it just makes u not stop smiling!
Is that the life changing experience? no!…it is the process that one has gone through…u know why…
cuz even this thing that come out of the blue, the moves u big time and keeps u smiling and makes ur heart skip a beat..
this “life changing” thing…CHANGES…it MOVES as well…
and ur faced with other challenges …
That is how it is! it is not that ONE thing that ONE person that with POOOOOOOF ur perfect world ur perfect world!
Rather the “process of life” (wooow I was trying so hard not to use “process” again since I killed this word by using it so much but wat can I say;p !)
n u know wat…like everything that u have faced, as worried scary or hard…it has passed and got u a step closer…and as the people that u have met, touched and loved…has left and disappeared…thy also got u a step closer…
a step closer to wat? I don’t know … but know in ur heart that it is somewhere AMUZING!
“Just have faith” (someone once told me)

NO secret ingredient

We are in constent search for this "thing" this one thing that we will discover and we will become like
"superman"...strong perfect confident and can change the world...

arent we?
arnt we always looking for this goal...or this thing...or even this person that will bring out the best in us?

is it good or bad? im not sure...
but if it gets us to a point that we are just <<>> then..ya! its bad!!

why do we thnk that there is something out there that is the secret ingredent for us? that will make us better then we are?

maybe who we are...is the secret ingredent we just have to belive it!!

life takes us in places we never expect...as much as we plane...or even try to imagen what will happen and where we will be we never know or even will we ever know till it actully happen...will our "thinking" and wandering really effect our faith...(Qader)...??

so waiting..and even day dreaming about the "secret ingredent" is not the right thing to do...what needs to be done is work!!

lets say...(this is an expansion to aminas note)...my goal...my secret ingredent...is the wall that i will build...i will belive that whn i build this wall...i will have...hmm..like stringth or power that no one will have....it is (the wall) the secret ingredent with out this wall...i have nothin and im still weak,...
so lets say what gets me up in the morning...is workin on this wall...is to have this wall...to be strong...
but...(like amina said)...i wake up one morining i find that some one has distroyed all that i have done!!
There is no wall any more...
no secret ingredent??? no better me???
then wat will happen?? i will not want to get up frm bed... i will feel depresed...annoyed at what happened to the wall and welll...at my self...that i am still who i am, or even worse??!!

is this right? lets think of it...each one of us...has a secret ingredent that they are searching for...or thought have found...but lost it after...how did u feel? what did u do?
depresed..annoyed...and worse then ever?

Allah Sub7ana wa Ta3ala...is guiding us through this life...He is the only One that knows where will be and where the "better us" will be..
we think that its...if i go to so and so unver(for ex) or if i marry so and so...maybe...but still we "THINK" we never know...but ALLAH knows!!
We shd pray for help...pray for a good place a good person to help us through this life...help us be better to please our Lord...but not "lock" our hearts to this one thing!

Sometimes we just need to let go...let things happen as they happen...stop wandering questioning...and fighting...
close our eyes..and let go...
and belive...that in the right moment...Allah will guide us to the Right path...
it is not one thing...it is not something...it is our faith in Allah...and it is that fact that we need to work!!
wake up every morning..not to build the wall..cuz the wall is the "mircle" the secet ingredent that will enlighten me...rather...the fact that i am waking up every morning..having faith in my Lord...
knowing that He sub7ana is watching me...testing me...
so i work...work on this wall not for its sake...but for the sake of my Lord...
Work hard and strong...and perfect this wall...

and if there is no wall...
hey! Ill wake up in the morning to make my bed...clean the house, and make the best breakfest ever...and help all thoes that need my help...till the day...that i look at my self...and i find the best in me is growing...is building...is glowing....
not becuase of something...one thing...one person...but becuase of Hedayet Rabi...