clearing...

in a holiday, finally, in my pjs, full bully and no requirements asked from me.
wow what a feeling! Yet, I don’t feel so fine, because I can easily get used to this life. I can easily loss my self, or better let my self-loss me in this world (nafs). No care in the world, no need to think no need to work. Everything is easy everything is simple. It is yet, no really?!
I don’t want to stop thinking like this because if I do I know I will easily forget and let my nafs control me. Which means loss the true meaning of a “Muslim” life.

I’ve been going to these dorms great and wonderful. Truly feel like im flying that I am in a another world, alhdmu le ALLAH 3ala hal ne3mah, (ALLAHuma 7efaz le hzhi al ne3ma wa barek le feha ela ma to7ebho wa ta’9ah). And now I am in a situation to see how truly did these doors affect me and how truly am I with these meanings?

I can know something, and truly believe in it but it means nothing till you truly are able to act on it no matter what. So that is what I am working, or trying, or hoping to do here now. I am weak in front of this world I am weak in front of my own nafs, and I need to “struggle” against them to successes! Successes as what? As a Muslim in this world!!

It’s so funny there are a lot of things to look for a lot of things to think about and a lot of things to work at. The question is where, what and how?
I am not the best person in this “organization” I usually end up being over whelmed with the things that go on in my head. I get lost and confused to a point that I don’t know what to think! If you came up to me and ask “what are you thinking of?” my answer will be “….I don’t know any more??!!”. Such a tiring stage.
But sub7ana ALLAH wa Al7amdu le ALLAH, I have survived and am surviving and getting things cleared out. Its not that I am finding all the answers in front of me directory, rather I do get answers eventfully that I never expected that I would. While I am writing this I am getting things clear. to some extend. The stage that I am in my life as a person is what I always prayed for or wanted to clear out before. Things like what I want in life, if I can successes in school (grade wise) and faith wise.
Its not that I know all the answers, clearly not, because really they clear up for a memento and then go, but what I mean is that there is a huge difference on how I was and how I am, how I am observing the world. I am learning more about my self and more about the things that I am capable of doing.

(28/5/2008)