NO secret ingredient

We are in constent search for this "thing" this one thing that we will discover and we will become like
"superman"...strong perfect confident and can change the world...

arent we?
arnt we always looking for this goal...or this thing...or even this person that will bring out the best in us?

is it good or bad? im not sure...
but if it gets us to a point that we are just <<>> then..ya! its bad!!

why do we thnk that there is something out there that is the secret ingredent for us? that will make us better then we are?

maybe who we are...is the secret ingredent we just have to belive it!!

life takes us in places we never expect...as much as we plane...or even try to imagen what will happen and where we will be we never know or even will we ever know till it actully happen...will our "thinking" and wandering really effect our faith...(Qader)...??

so waiting..and even day dreaming about the "secret ingredent" is not the right thing to do...what needs to be done is work!!

lets say...(this is an expansion to aminas note)...my goal...my secret ingredent...is the wall that i will build...i will belive that whn i build this wall...i will have...hmm..like stringth or power that no one will have....it is (the wall) the secret ingredent with out this wall...i have nothin and im still weak,...
so lets say what gets me up in the morning...is workin on this wall...is to have this wall...to be strong...
but...(like amina said)...i wake up one morining i find that some one has distroyed all that i have done!!
There is no wall any more...
no secret ingredent??? no better me???
then wat will happen?? i will not want to get up frm bed... i will feel depresed...annoyed at what happened to the wall and welll...at my self...that i am still who i am, or even worse??!!

is this right? lets think of it...each one of us...has a secret ingredent that they are searching for...or thought have found...but lost it after...how did u feel? what did u do?
depresed..annoyed...and worse then ever?

Allah Sub7ana wa Ta3ala...is guiding us through this life...He is the only One that knows where will be and where the "better us" will be..
we think that its...if i go to so and so unver(for ex) or if i marry so and so...maybe...but still we "THINK" we never know...but ALLAH knows!!
We shd pray for help...pray for a good place a good person to help us through this life...help us be better to please our Lord...but not "lock" our hearts to this one thing!

Sometimes we just need to let go...let things happen as they happen...stop wandering questioning...and fighting...
close our eyes..and let go...
and belive...that in the right moment...Allah will guide us to the Right path...
it is not one thing...it is not something...it is our faith in Allah...and it is that fact that we need to work!!
wake up every morning..not to build the wall..cuz the wall is the "mircle" the secet ingredent that will enlighten me...rather...the fact that i am waking up every morning..having faith in my Lord...
knowing that He sub7ana is watching me...testing me...
so i work...work on this wall not for its sake...but for the sake of my Lord...
Work hard and strong...and perfect this wall...

and if there is no wall...
hey! Ill wake up in the morning to make my bed...clean the house, and make the best breakfest ever...and help all thoes that need my help...till the day...that i look at my self...and i find the best in me is growing...is building...is glowing....
not becuase of something...one thing...one person...but becuase of Hedayet Rabi...

little children we are...

why do we say and then do bad? why do we question what is given?
why do we not believe even though we walk with the words of believing?

We are weak and that is a given, but still why talk so passionately for one second and then the next we break? we break strongly and confidently?
Why can’t we wait for two seconds at least?

Why? that is the question,

We are a small child, not knowing what is best for us, fallowing what our little weak desires call for...hopping along doing things that we know will harm us, doing things that we know will UN-please our Lord.

We do and then hide behind the corner, so shy and embarrassed at what we have done.

This child that also calls and screams for this thing that knows will harm.

This child that is not aware of everything that is around.

This child that is still too younger to understand, cries and cries for something...even though something better awaits on the other shelf.

As little children, we are not suppose to plane and expect things, we are still too younger to know better, we shd just work but hold on tight to the bigger hand, that hand that knows the world that knows us better this hand that will guide us and reach to us in our time of need, this hand that knows where our true happiness is. We love this hand and feel so safe with its nearness.
Then, why why don’t we hold on to this hand? why do we let go and run to that hole to fall? And we know that we will fall and yet we let go? Why?? Aint it easier to hold on tight?


28/12/2007

clearing...

in a holiday, finally, in my pjs, full bully and no requirements asked from me.
wow what a feeling! Yet, I don’t feel so fine, because I can easily get used to this life. I can easily loss my self, or better let my self-loss me in this world (nafs). No care in the world, no need to think no need to work. Everything is easy everything is simple. It is yet, no really?!
I don’t want to stop thinking like this because if I do I know I will easily forget and let my nafs control me. Which means loss the true meaning of a “Muslim” life.

I’ve been going to these dorms great and wonderful. Truly feel like im flying that I am in a another world, alhdmu le ALLAH 3ala hal ne3mah, (ALLAHuma 7efaz le hzhi al ne3ma wa barek le feha ela ma to7ebho wa ta’9ah). And now I am in a situation to see how truly did these doors affect me and how truly am I with these meanings?

I can know something, and truly believe in it but it means nothing till you truly are able to act on it no matter what. So that is what I am working, or trying, or hoping to do here now. I am weak in front of this world I am weak in front of my own nafs, and I need to “struggle” against them to successes! Successes as what? As a Muslim in this world!!

It’s so funny there are a lot of things to look for a lot of things to think about and a lot of things to work at. The question is where, what and how?
I am not the best person in this “organization” I usually end up being over whelmed with the things that go on in my head. I get lost and confused to a point that I don’t know what to think! If you came up to me and ask “what are you thinking of?” my answer will be “….I don’t know any more??!!”. Such a tiring stage.
But sub7ana ALLAH wa Al7amdu le ALLAH, I have survived and am surviving and getting things cleared out. Its not that I am finding all the answers in front of me directory, rather I do get answers eventfully that I never expected that I would. While I am writing this I am getting things clear. to some extend. The stage that I am in my life as a person is what I always prayed for or wanted to clear out before. Things like what I want in life, if I can successes in school (grade wise) and faith wise.
Its not that I know all the answers, clearly not, because really they clear up for a memento and then go, but what I mean is that there is a huge difference on how I was and how I am, how I am observing the world. I am learning more about my self and more about the things that I am capable of doing.

(28/5/2008)

Can you even feel it anymore?

The things we face in this world the people the issues everything put together, Is one big test one big wall put in front of you to test how strong your belief your goal your “want” is really is.

You say that my “heart” is strong! My belief is strong, my feeling is true!
You feel it, you see it, you live it…
Your almost hopping with joy, the world around is all rosy and beautiful the birds are singing a beautiful song that just makes your heart jump!

While you are dancing with the bird song in the middle of all the roses you fall into a hole, dark, gloomy and cold. In this hole the birds don’t sing for you rather you see all the rats squirming nibbling away on the rotten wood. The smell is so awful you hold your breath! You cannot see anything in front of you! Your disgust from the place and the fear of finding even worse things along the way makes you sit in the corner knees tacked closely to you, squeezing your eyes shut waiting for this whole thing to be over and that you will get to hear the birds again.

Tell me now, how do you feel about what is in your heart? Can you even feel it anymore? Do you love it as much as you did when it took you to the lovely rose garden with the birds?

(writen 25/7/2009)

the education system!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U&feature=autoshare

just keep swimming but know when to stop!

سبحان الله وبحمده سبحان الله العظيم
اللهم يا مؤنس كل غريب وياصاحب كل وحيد يا ملجأ كل خائف يا كاشف كل كربة أسألك ان تقذف رجاءك في قلبي حتى لا أرجو غيرك و أنتجعل لي من أمري فرجا ومخرجا إنك على كل شي قدير ..



Truly He sub7ana w ta3ala is the only one who knows what is right and what we must do! Oh Allah guide me to Your light!

-=-=-=-=-=-==-==-=-


Today i talked to her in her office, i told her you gave me something that i can not do, i can not take this responsibility i can not teach!

I told her it is a big responsibility, and i am like this losing the rights of these kids, the school and my self!

so she asked me " so what do you want to do ?"
me " well hmm.. i guess in my field, in design!"
she replied " ya okay, but i felt after all the design work we gave you last year you were going crazy and sick of design ?!! "
me " that is true, because of the enviorment and the way it is given to me, I'm like this...when someone keeps on going on and on in my head yallah where is the work yalla hurry..i get stressed!! ... and ya the project was big which i didn't imagine it will be but its okay in the end..." "in all cases, i can not take this responsibility of teaching and its bring out my worst side, i started scream in and doing things i don't like...so really I'm not helping them or my self or even the school here..."

anyways, so she started giving me solutions, so and so has experience and she can give you some skills to teach you to deal with the girls...and stuff like that...

me " hmm...okay ill be honest I'm thinking of giving in my reasoning letter ..."
her " oh....then that's a different story! ... you can do what you want!"

then she went on with the "BUT"...

(its funny when your in such situation you end up playing "tennis" if you know what i mean...if you serve hard...you know what they will serve harder...cuz u served hard!)

this is not professional, and you left last year without a prior notice..i understand it was out of your hand, but we need to be more professional still...and now u want to resigned...and you know the rules about resigning that you have to give us a 2 months notice, is this 2 months?

you can do what you want BUT this will affect your professionalism and you are already professional and ethical in your work.. (alhmdu le ALLAH) ... and it will not look good for you, if any one asked us about you in the work field ...
BUT you can do what you want...
ya3ni basically it was like this serving...something then BUT...
the school is in a critical stage...no teachers and big issues like that...so everyone is in a critical stage..and the principle is in such big stress...ALLAH ye3enha..

So is what I'm doing is wrong? should i stop this "teaching" thing?? i mean, i am serious when i say it is bring out my bad side!! should i take this a challenge to my self...that no matter how bad the situation around me is i can be stronger then it all???

but you know...i got the idea about education, what is it and what it is needed...i started to see "reality" in its true form...i took off my pink glasses to see the true of things!...
but if i stay in it longer it will destroy me or suck me to the darkness side...

cuz there is still so much i want to learn, so much i need to teach me self...i know sometimes you need to just "JUMP IN THE DEEP END AND TEACH YOUR SELF TO SWIM"
but, if you stay too long in the deep end you will get tiered and eventually sink!!
We need a break to catch our breath and find someone to give us a point or do about swimming before we try again!

As a freshly graduated student...there is still so much to learn about reality and my capacity in it!

We learned and taught some skills..but it was in "bubble" if we can say...away from reality! So after taking these skills, i didn't know reality, i had this image that was soo UN-real!! I had the skills but not the true knowledge and experience...so i had to jump int he deep end to feel the water feel the deepness and try to use some skill s and see what works and Wat doesn't..
But i cant stay for too long! Ill drown! So here i am...
i try to give everything a chance, i try to learn more about whats going on around me and within me!

and now its time to move on, move to learn more in a new place!

So, insha Allah Allah will guide me and He will always help me to do the right thing in the right time! and help me not get my nafs, own masla7a and desires come through...

I will give the school my 7aq for it (which is 2 months) and then...nsha Allah bye bye =)

What i learned from the school either then the fact, it gave me a big slap in the face to wake up and see reality as it truly is not through my pink glasses!
- experience in teaching (and knowing my limits! (-i am still open to learn more about education and teaching skills but not now!)
- Experience in dealing with different people different ages.
- Experience in a professional "company"
- A chance to design books =D alhmdu le ALLAH, i have tryed to styles of books =D and i am so graful to Allah for that! I left a basmah ;) (oh by the way she told me that if you stay you will get more work in design containing working on the books, and we want it to look the same style and it will be great if u will do it but if you left than we will have to give t so someone else and the girls will get stuck of a design that does not work with them ...hmm =? ...but from the ministry if i left the work i cant do anything for them not even design as my freelancing job! )
- A chance to go to workshops, listen to people, and visit places and try new things (from doing a workshop, doing a presenting for teachers, doing activities in the class, doing performance with the girls!)

fa alhmdu le ALLAH =D

May Allah always guide us to wat is best wat will be help ful for us and others, and bring this ummah up! and forgive us if we did something wrong, hirted someone or did someone out of our own desires and masla7a!
ameeeeeeeeeen

Dear friends, you have always been an inspiration for me, Allah Sub7na w ta3ala has always bout you in my journey to guide me and teach me! i always felt strong by your stringth i always felt more "faithful" by your faith and eman! ALLAH yes3dkum w yeserlkum omorkum kolha! alhmdu le ALLAH for this so7ba =)

you have always adviced me to do the right thing, so your thoughts and advices for me here will be appriecated ;)

Our deepest fear?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybt8wXIahQU&feature=related