Saturday, December 11, 2010

NO secret ingredient

We are in constent search for this "thing" this one thing that we will discover and we will become like
"superman"...strong perfect confident and can change the world...

arent we?
arnt we always looking for this goal...or this thing...or even this person that will bring out the best in us?

is it good or bad? im not sure...
but if it gets us to a point that we are just <<>> then..ya! its bad!!

why do we thnk that there is something out there that is the secret ingredent for us? that will make us better then we are?

maybe who we the secret ingredent we just have to belive it!!

life takes us in places we never much as we plane...or even try to imagen what will happen and where we will be we never know or even will we ever know till it actully happen...will our "thinking" and wandering really effect our faith...(Qader)...??

so waiting..and even day dreaming about the "secret ingredent" is not the right thing to do...what needs to be done is work!!

lets say...(this is an expansion to aminas note) secret the wall that i will build...i will belive that whn i build this wall...i will stringth or power that no one will is (the wall) the secret ingredent with out this wall...i have nothin and im still weak,...
so lets say what gets me up in the workin on this to have this be strong...
but...(like amina said)...i wake up one morining i find that some one has distroyed all that i have done!!
There is no wall any more...
no secret ingredent??? no better me???
then wat will happen?? i will not want to get up frm bed... i will feel depresed...annoyed at what happened to the wall and my self...that i am still who i am, or even worse??!!

is this right? lets think of it...each one of us...has a secret ingredent that they are searching for...or thought have found...but lost it did u feel? what did u do?
depresed..annoyed...and worse then ever?

Allah Sub7ana wa guiding us through this life...He is the only One that knows where will be and where the "better us" will be..
we think that its...if i go to so and so unver(for ex) or if i marry so and so...maybe...but still we "THINK" we never know...but ALLAH knows!!
We shd pray for help...pray for a good place a good person to help us through this us be better to please our Lord...but not "lock" our hearts to this one thing!

Sometimes we just need to let go...let things happen as they happen...stop wandering questioning...and fighting...
close our eyes..and let go...
and belive...that in the right moment...Allah will guide us to the Right path...
it is not one is not is our faith in Allah...and it is that fact that we need to work!!
wake up every morning..not to build the wall..cuz the wall is the "mircle" the secet ingredent that will enlighten me...rather...the fact that i am waking up every morning..having faith in my Lord...
knowing that He sub7ana is watching me...testing me...
so i on this wall not for its sake...but for the sake of my Lord...
Work hard and strong...and perfect this wall...

and if there is no wall...
hey! Ill wake up in the morning to make my bed...clean the house, and make the best breakfest ever...and help all thoes that need my help...till the day...that i look at my self...and i find the best in me is glowing....
not becuase of person...but becuase of Hedayet Rabi...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

little children we are...

why do we say and then do bad? why do we question what is given?
why do we not believe even though we walk with the words of believing?

We are weak and that is a given, but still why talk so passionately for one second and then the next we break? we break strongly and confidently?
Why can’t we wait for two seconds at least?

Why? that is the question,

We are a small child, not knowing what is best for us, fallowing what our little weak desires call for...hopping along doing things that we know will harm us, doing things that we know will UN-please our Lord.

We do and then hide behind the corner, so shy and embarrassed at what we have done.

This child that also calls and screams for this thing that knows will harm.

This child that is not aware of everything that is around.

This child that is still too younger to understand, cries and cries for something...even though something better awaits on the other shelf.

As little children, we are not suppose to plane and expect things, we are still too younger to know better, we shd just work but hold on tight to the bigger hand, that hand that knows the world that knows us better this hand that will guide us and reach to us in our time of need, this hand that knows where our true happiness is. We love this hand and feel so safe with its nearness.
Then, why why don’t we hold on to this hand? why do we let go and run to that hole to fall? And we know that we will fall and yet we let go? Why?? Aint it easier to hold on tight?



in a holiday, finally, in my pjs, full bully and no requirements asked from me.
wow what a feeling! Yet, I don’t feel so fine, because I can easily get used to this life. I can easily loss my self, or better let my self-loss me in this world (nafs). No care in the world, no need to think no need to work. Everything is easy everything is simple. It is yet, no really?!
I don’t want to stop thinking like this because if I do I know I will easily forget and let my nafs control me. Which means loss the true meaning of a “Muslim” life.

I’ve been going to these dorms great and wonderful. Truly feel like im flying that I am in a another world, alhdmu le ALLAH 3ala hal ne3mah, (ALLAHuma 7efaz le hzhi al ne3ma wa barek le feha ela ma to7ebho wa ta’9ah). And now I am in a situation to see how truly did these doors affect me and how truly am I with these meanings?

I can know something, and truly believe in it but it means nothing till you truly are able to act on it no matter what. So that is what I am working, or trying, or hoping to do here now. I am weak in front of this world I am weak in front of my own nafs, and I need to “struggle” against them to successes! Successes as what? As a Muslim in this world!!

It’s so funny there are a lot of things to look for a lot of things to think about and a lot of things to work at. The question is where, what and how?
I am not the best person in this “organization” I usually end up being over whelmed with the things that go on in my head. I get lost and confused to a point that I don’t know what to think! If you came up to me and ask “what are you thinking of?” my answer will be “….I don’t know any more??!!”. Such a tiring stage.
But sub7ana ALLAH wa Al7amdu le ALLAH, I have survived and am surviving and getting things cleared out. Its not that I am finding all the answers in front of me directory, rather I do get answers eventfully that I never expected that I would. While I am writing this I am getting things clear. to some extend. The stage that I am in my life as a person is what I always prayed for or wanted to clear out before. Things like what I want in life, if I can successes in school (grade wise) and faith wise.
Its not that I know all the answers, clearly not, because really they clear up for a memento and then go, but what I mean is that there is a huge difference on how I was and how I am, how I am observing the world. I am learning more about my self and more about the things that I am capable of doing.


Can you even feel it anymore?

The things we face in this world the people the issues everything put together, Is one big test one big wall put in front of you to test how strong your belief your goal your “want” is really is.

You say that my “heart” is strong! My belief is strong, my feeling is true!
You feel it, you see it, you live it…
Your almost hopping with joy, the world around is all rosy and beautiful the birds are singing a beautiful song that just makes your heart jump!

While you are dancing with the bird song in the middle of all the roses you fall into a hole, dark, gloomy and cold. In this hole the birds don’t sing for you rather you see all the rats squirming nibbling away on the rotten wood. The smell is so awful you hold your breath! You cannot see anything in front of you! Your disgust from the place and the fear of finding even worse things along the way makes you sit in the corner knees tacked closely to you, squeezing your eyes shut waiting for this whole thing to be over and that you will get to hear the birds again.

Tell me now, how do you feel about what is in your heart? Can you even feel it anymore? Do you love it as much as you did when it took you to the lovely rose garden with the birds?

(writen 25/7/2009)

Monday, October 18, 2010

the education system!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

just keep swimming but know when to stop!

سبحان الله وبحمده سبحان الله العظيم
اللهم يا مؤنس كل غريب وياصاحب كل وحيد يا ملجأ كل خائف يا كاشف كل كربة أسألك ان تقذف رجاءك في قلبي حتى لا أرجو غيرك و أنتجعل لي من أمري فرجا ومخرجا إنك على كل شي قدير ..

Truly He sub7ana w ta3ala is the only one who knows what is right and what we must do! Oh Allah guide me to Your light!


Today i talked to her in her office, i told her you gave me something that i can not do, i can not take this responsibility i can not teach!

I told her it is a big responsibility, and i am like this losing the rights of these kids, the school and my self!

so she asked me " so what do you want to do ?"
me " well hmm.. i guess in my field, in design!"
she replied " ya okay, but i felt after all the design work we gave you last year you were going crazy and sick of design ?!! "
me " that is true, because of the enviorment and the way it is given to me, I'm like this...when someone keeps on going on and on in my head yallah where is the work yalla hurry..i get stressed!! ... and ya the project was big which i didn't imagine it will be but its okay in the end..." "in all cases, i can not take this responsibility of teaching and its bring out my worst side, i started scream in and doing things i don't really I'm not helping them or my self or even the school here..."

anyways, so she started giving me solutions, so and so has experience and she can give you some skills to teach you to deal with the girls...and stuff like that...

me " hmm...okay ill be honest I'm thinking of giving in my reasoning letter ..."
her " oh....then that's a different story! ... you can do what you want!"

then she went on with the "BUT"...

(its funny when your in such situation you end up playing "tennis" if you know what i mean...if you serve know what they will serve harder...cuz u served hard!)

this is not professional, and you left last year without a prior notice..i understand it was out of your hand, but we need to be more professional still...and now u want to resigned...and you know the rules about resigning that you have to give us a 2 months notice, is this 2 months?

you can do what you want BUT this will affect your professionalism and you are already professional and ethical in your work.. (alhmdu le ALLAH) ... and it will not look good for you, if any one asked us about you in the work field ...
BUT you can do what you want...
ya3ni basically it was like this serving...something then BUT...
the school is in a critical teachers and big issues like everyone is in a critical stage..and the principle is in such big stress...ALLAH ye3enha..

So is what I'm doing is wrong? should i stop this "teaching" thing?? i mean, i am serious when i say it is bring out my bad side!! should i take this a challenge to my self...that no matter how bad the situation around me is i can be stronger then it all???

but you know...i got the idea about education, what is it and what it is needed...i started to see "reality" in its true form...i took off my pink glasses to see the true of things!...
but if i stay in it longer it will destroy me or suck me to the darkness side...

cuz there is still so much i want to learn, so much i need to teach me self...i know sometimes you need to just "JUMP IN THE DEEP END AND TEACH YOUR SELF TO SWIM"
but, if you stay too long in the deep end you will get tiered and eventually sink!!
We need a break to catch our breath and find someone to give us a point or do about swimming before we try again!

As a freshly graduated student...there is still so much to learn about reality and my capacity in it!

We learned and taught some skills..but it was in "bubble" if we can say...away from reality! So after taking these skills, i didn't know reality, i had this image that was soo UN-real!! I had the skills but not the true knowledge and i had to jump int he deep end to feel the water feel the deepness and try to use some skill s and see what works and Wat doesn't..
But i cant stay for too long! Ill drown! So here i am...
i try to give everything a chance, i try to learn more about whats going on around me and within me!

and now its time to move on, move to learn more in a new place!

So, insha Allah Allah will guide me and He will always help me to do the right thing in the right time! and help me not get my nafs, own masla7a and desires come through...

I will give the school my 7aq for it (which is 2 months) and then...nsha Allah bye bye =)

What i learned from the school either then the fact, it gave me a big slap in the face to wake up and see reality as it truly is not through my pink glasses!
- experience in teaching (and knowing my limits! (-i am still open to learn more about education and teaching skills but not now!)
- Experience in dealing with different people different ages.
- Experience in a professional "company"
- A chance to design books =D alhmdu le ALLAH, i have tryed to styles of books =D and i am so graful to Allah for that! I left a basmah ;) (oh by the way she told me that if you stay you will get more work in design containing working on the books, and we want it to look the same style and it will be great if u will do it but if you left than we will have to give t so someone else and the girls will get stuck of a design that does not work with them ...hmm =? ...but from the ministry if i left the work i cant do anything for them not even design as my freelancing job! )
- A chance to go to workshops, listen to people, and visit places and try new things (from doing a workshop, doing a presenting for teachers, doing activities in the class, doing performance with the girls!)

fa alhmdu le ALLAH =D

May Allah always guide us to wat is best wat will be help ful for us and others, and bring this ummah up! and forgive us if we did something wrong, hirted someone or did someone out of our own desires and masla7a!

Dear friends, you have always been an inspiration for me, Allah Sub7na w ta3ala has always bout you in my journey to guide me and teach me! i always felt strong by your stringth i always felt more "faithful" by your faith and eman! ALLAH yes3dkum w yeserlkum omorkum kolha! alhmdu le ALLAH for this so7ba =)

you have always adviced me to do the right thing, so your thoughts and advices for me here will be appriecated ;)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Our deepest fear?!

Friday, August 13, 2010

see-saw recovery...

So I got a call from a person who fascinates me everyday more and more.

"WAKE UP!", she called.

loool, I'm here writing in my blog that has been quiet for too long.

I guess this past year I have saved alot of people from my "abstract thinking".

Why was I away, you ask? I don't really know, but entering the "real world" shocked me, to an extend.

Don't worry, I'm well, and spirit is good alhmdu le Allah. Ya, I agree, I am slower than I was, and you will properly find me more blank minded than I ever was!

But Allah is Raheem is Kareem, He always shows me the right way and protects me from the world and most importantly "my self"!

Alhmdu le Allah,

hmm...I'm trying to find a metaphor that will make my example clearer...(but I've been away too long from my chmc. engr thinkers that I'm finding difficulty finding a good one)....

Basically I'm on a see-saw...then someone* comes at the other end and takes me up up up...then they go away and I'm falling quickly deep down down down...

From the impact I'm shocked and dazed, but slowly I'm going up, then a bit down then up...till nsha Allah, I will find my self balanced on this see-saw.

Not too high up and not too down, just right!

It is just finding that secure balanced spot!

And here is the lesson! Sometimes we don't see the world the way we should, the realistic way. We tend to fantasy the world. We see a world of Islam so perfect so strong so pure...and then we get shocked to "reality"! Alot of us go into depression or shock mood or live a negative perspective (toward this world/ppl).

We blam everything and everyone on this world...and just the thought of people for us is "augh"!!!

But we forget, that instead of blaming this world, shouldn't we blame our selves, and teach our selves?

We forget that our way of viewing and living this fantasy in the first place was in it self the wrong step...

Don't get me wrong Islam is perfect it is is truly "Noor"!

But do we forget why we are put in this world in the first place?!

This world is not perfect this world is not pure...and our Nafs...oh don't forget these nofos! Its natural characteristics is to be the total opposite of "Noor".
So, how can we expect from it perfiction?

And here is the test!
Reality is not perfect but our Islam is, how can we work with that?

This is what I've been going through, I saw everything in purity and perfection and expected everything to be purity and perfection in one go**!!

I've lived a fantasy. A fantasy that in reality does not exist! And thus confusion and frustration and as the see-saw example, shocked and dazed from the impact!

But slowly...along the way...Allah (sub7ana w ta3ala) guides me, shows me, the right way. The first few steps of the right way being told to me from someone I did not expect to learn from or being shaking by someone to wake up and "yala work!"

Small things here and there that slowly takes me up (and all of us have these small things here and there). Sometimes it's too little to notice but it's there!
~ alhmdu le Allah ~

I am still dazed...and not as "quick" as I was, but I'm recovering alhmdu le Allah and trying not to let the "shock" get to me! "Shake it off"...and may Allah always guide us to His "Noor".


* when I say "someone" not necessery a certin name.

** This world is not perfect and our nofos isnt either, but we should always strive to perfect our nofos to purfiy that we can get closer to the "Noor" we might not get to its most high purity but we need to strive!

Listen to "what is Ihsan?"

Thursday, April 15, 2010

teaching is tricky...

teaching is tricky...

ya it is because of the responsibilities that teacher face, every move action, word she says is can affect her students...good or bad, but it will affect them for life!!

but either than that point, a teachers life is tricky...because she is on a war with her self...

as Muslims we have some characteristics that we need to build on, a Muslim's job on this earth, is to worship ALLAH...our Lord!
but praying and fasting isn't the only kind of worship that a Muslim is responsible of, but also our selves!

we are responsible of our actions our morals and characteristics...

how we act towards others...basically how we live in the best manner possible...

we need to take care of our bodies our minds...but also our Nafs!

In Islam we are told to be modest, be humble, be kind to everyone you face...
at home among your family that's easy...but take it out and specially in school, and you will learn the true meaning of war against your Nafs!

We would think that school is full of humbleness and modesty (because it is where knowledge is spread) and we would think that school is full of kindness and support well...basically because of the same reason...

School is different than for example working in a company. In school you have more freedom (As girl) and the school and all that is in it feels like your family!

You are more free, more relaxed, more energized in school...and of course full of life! School gives you the opportunity to see your work growing you and your "girls" glowing in front of your eyes.

but because of all this the "war" begins!

It is so easy to fall into the "Me Me Me" mood in school...
because as a teacher you need to "show of" your work to others and specially to the that they will know that you are working and give you more opportunities to be more creative!!

and when you see that those little lights, are dependent on you and no one other...

thus the "me me me" inside of you is growing...

and everyone calls you "Abla" (teacher), the one who knows more than me...the one is bigger than me...and "me me me" continues to grow...

and it gets to a point, that teachers just scream at girls because they did not do what you asked them to in the first place...(Even if what you asked them to makes no sense!! and you know it! ) or "fluff your feathers up" because "I am the teacher! I am the creative one among the others! I am the one who all the girls love"

The girls are looking up to me and the teachers are feeling juls at my "creativeness"...
and of course let us not forget the many many eyes that are watching every action you do, from the girls, to the teachers and management...which makes it very hard not to not fluff you feathers ?!!

and the nafs grows!

and the true qualities of a Muslim is lost!!!

You want to learn "moqawament al Nafs" (going against your self) to become a better person to have great qualities, of loving everyone as you brother or our beloved Muhammad peace and blessings be upon him, and to be humbled and modest with all the creativity and hard work that you do because you know that it is from your Lord Subahana wa Ta'ala, and to be in a constant move to learn more and develop more because you know that ALLAH loves those who know...who learn and teacher others...and i will never have enough because all of what is around me is my Gods blessings and I want to use it all..

So when you do alot of work and no one thanks you for it or worse someone else gets the credit, don't squirm just relax and say Alhmdu le ALLAH because you did not do it for the thank you or for the someone, but rather you did for ALLAH sub7ana w ta'ala...
and when everyone comes to you to help them, and when you need the help they run away...don't cry and say alhmdu le ALLAH because the one who is helping you now is ALLAH sub7ana wa Ta'ala. and when those who you should show respect to insult you in front of the lights of the school...don't scream...just smile and say Alhmdu le ALLAH...ALLAH knows what is in the hearts of people...and thank Him that you have not reached that stage and pray hard that you will never do!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

a message to Noor Il Fehm

This is note that was writen by a dear sister of mine, who is masha ALLAH a talented writer and thinker, may ALLAH bless her!
I posted it here to remind my self and to others on her experience and her thought provoking points, and nsha ALLAH i will post my reply to it soon insha ALLAH.

(hope you will like it, plz share your comments)

Posted in Mind, Note Requests at 3:53 pm by AH

This note is dedicated to Noor Il Fehm

Noor Il Fehm is the nickname of one of my university friends. Whenever I think of this girl, I think of a girl who used to “pass by my life” at just the right moments. In the TV room when I was saturated with what I was studying, in the corridor when I needed help, and in her room when I needed human company. She was my neighbour, and I’ve always been grateful for this neighbour, because we used to share deep intellectual, social, religious conversations, and the best part of our relationship is how different our majors were. She was in SA&D and I was in CEN. Despite that, we never ran out of things to talk about.

After graduation Noor Il Fehm went to teach children in school, simply because she didn’t believe in using her degree for commercialization purposes, like advertising and running Marketing campaigns, considering how unclean this industry has become nowadays. And since she was a design student, she thought that maybe her role in society was to be a different role model, and teach children creativity from a young age. Yet at some time she began to get frustrated because the children shocked her, and you could read all about it in her blog.

And what’s funny is that I’ve gone through a similar experience before. Once upon a time, I found myself a bunch of female victims to teach Mathematics in a High School in Kenya just because I had nothing better to do with my life = I was on vacation. The experience was not so bad as I felt like I learnt more from the girls than I taught them. And if someone had asked me just before graduation what I wanted to do, I would have settled for that….

But then again, that was the AUS stress talking.

However, now, 1.5 years post graduation my point of view rotated 180 degrees, and my message to Noor Il Fehm is as follows:

Our problem is that we meld into society too soon, and we get into that heated mood of “wanting to make a difference in the world,” and “wanting to go out to the real world and change it”. However, what we really need is time to change ourselves, develop ourselves and grow ourselves. What we really need is to shift our focus inward instead of outward. Instead of criticizing society and the apparent moral corruption taking place, the question is, “What are we doing with our lives? What is our next goal? Not our next “social” goal, but our next “personal” goal? How are we growing? How are we developing? How are we challenging ourselves?”

We need to set the standard bar higher for ourselves. We need to force ourselves out of the comfort zone, define our next challenge, raise our standards higher. Otherwise we won’t be satisfied, and we’ll always feel like we didn’t give things our all, like we wasted our efforts, simply because we didn’t concentrate, simply because we didn’t define our next goal. And this dissatisfaction will lead to frustration, simply because it’s like we aimed too low, and by aiming too low, we’d naturally settle too low. There’s a saying by Clement Stone that says, “Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.”

And that might explain your current frustration, Noor il Fehm. You settled too low. You went back to society too soon. You need some incubation period – a time out – to grow yourself, to gain more knowledge in your field, and return to society in a different form, not as a teacher, but something better.

And the more knowledge you gain, whether in religion, or in your field, the more you’ll realize how little you know. Because no matter how much you’ve achieved, the real great minds always strive for more. They don’t waste their time patting themselves on the back for what they’ve learned, for what they’ve achieved, but keep the process going and going and going like the bunnies that run on Duracell’s batteries.

Because at this stage, you think that the best way to change those girls was by gaining authority and enforce discipline, but a better way to change people is to inspire them through the story of your life.

Remember this quote for Imam Ahmad;

قيل للإمام أحمد: متى الراحة؟

قال: مع أول قدم في الجنة

Or the Arabic poem for Al Mutanaby:

على قدر أهل العزم تأتي العزائم ... و تأتي على قدر الكرام المكارم
و تعظم في عين الصغير صغارها ... و تصغر في عين العظيم العظائم

(the link to her blog)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

for deisgners to think big!